As I write this, I am fully aware that I am NOT my worst critic. I know I am being judged by those that think they know me and those that have seen me over the year(s). To those, I say, keep judging. I am not writing this to you, I am writing this for me.
The past 2 months have been very difficult and as a result my body is reflecting it. You see, this struggle did not start once I finished my last show, as my previous blogs may have led you to believe, it started 3 weeks prior to that. I waited to talk about this because I had to find a way to get through it personally first. Now, I think I am finally at that point.
On August 11th, three weeks before my national show in Pittsburgh, just two weeks before my little boy started back at his private school, I was laid-off from my IT systems job unexpectedly. The first thought that crossed my mind, besides “Oh Shit”, was the overwhelming emotional need for a beer and some serious comfort food. This feeling lasted for hours as I could not allow myself to satisfy the need. I had to push through this intense feeling because I worked too damn hard the prior 8 months preparing for this upcoming show. I also had to hold off on (really) trying to find a new job until the show was over. So there I was for the first time in my life without a job, totally not level because I was depleting down physically and mentally, and trying like hell to stay focused.
After my show, well my previous blogs painted that picture for you, I struggled with my body. I could not figure out what was wrong. I tried all kinds of detox pills and drinks. I thought it was my liver, then my kidneys. I was Googling like crazy. What I found was that over the months of strict dieting I stopped producing the good enzyme’s needed to break down food for digestion. So for weeks I looked like I was carrying a full term baby. Completely miserable, my abdominal skin taught, I started a liquid Probiotic and finally my belly started to decrease. Thank goodness because I was heading to the Olympia to work. Ugh, No pressure.
Now what followed is what got me to where I am today. I admit, I am at my heaviest off-season weight since starting to compete 3 years ago. This occurred because I began to eat out of boredom. Nothing like being home alone for weeks on end, after being deprived of various foods for months, with nothing to do. It wasn’t that I was craving anything in particular, I was not even hungry…or ever full either (another side effect from dieting for so long), I just had nothing to occupy my mind. So I ate….and watched the first 5 seasons of Sons of Anarchy.
I am still working out every day (what else was I going to do). However, it is true that you cannot out-train a high caloric diet. The scale in my bathroom will attest to that.
The only cure to eating out of boredom is to find something to occupy your mind, or in my case, get a job. Luckily, I accomplished the job part. Now I need to shrink my appetite from stuffing it for so long.
The vicious cycle.